this post had me in tears

I was hoping the notes would be full of similar stories, but they’re not, so I’ll add my story for anyone else looking for more laughs:

I had to go to a library to pay a fee and I was practicing in the car between “I have to pay a fine” and “I have to pay a fee” and I walked in and firmly stated “I have to pee” and slapped a five dollar bill on the counter (the fee was like ten cents), and walked out. This was like three years ago and I still haven’t been back,

My friend was driving and we were almost past our turnoff so I tried to say “quick” and “fast” at the same time and I ended up screaming “QUACK” which ended up with him judging me very hard and missing the turn

Recently someone in class asked me how I was doing and I started off saying I was good but switched to I’m okay in the middle and ended up saying “I’m gay.”

Which, while kind of accurate, was not what I meant to announce to my classmate.

This Halloween I was handing out candy and a child said “trick or treat” and I smiled gave them their candy and apparently my mouth betrayed me and I said “Merry Christmas” and proceeded to sit down and look up to the sky for answers while their mother laughed at me :)))))

I was switching between “Bye Deanna” and “Goodbye” and I ended up saying “Go Die”

Sometimes I try to say “I fucking love you” but it comes out in the wrong order and then everyone’s uncomfortable.

When I first started my coffee shop job, I was still getting used to greeting customers as they came in the door. A man walked in, and in the jumble of trying to say, “How are you doing?” and “What’s up?” I ended up demanding “What are you doing here?!”

something really cool happened once at the office and i started to say “i’m so amazed” but halfway through my mind changed to “that’s really amazing” and i just ended up saying “i’m really so amazing”

one time i was out in the woods in the spring when the birds were just beginning to come out again and i went to say “i’m so pumped for the birds” and “i’m so hyped for the birds” and instead i said “i’m so humped for birds”

Once I was walking to school and there was a guy walking his dog and the dog came to me and started sniffing me and I was in such a good mood and when I passed by his owner I wanted to say like “hello” or “good morning” or “cute dog” or something like that and I ended up looking up at him, smiling real big, and saying “thank you”. 

I was at the convenience store and I was going to buy a drink, but i dropped my keys and the drink when I got to the register so I got caught between “my drink!” and “my keys” and ended up screaming “MY KINK.”

I walked up to this register,in a target. When the cashier finished checking me out she said have a good day, and i wanted to say “You have a good day” and “You too” so it came out “You have a good do do”

I FUCKIN H HIT MY HEAD ON A CHAIR FROM LAUGHING TOO HARD AT THIS FUCKING POS T

There’s so many new stories on this since the last time I saw it and fuck I am laughing so hard I think I’m annoying my roommate

These are too damn good to pass up reading!

Four years ago: in class, I meant to say “in-text citations” but thought “works cited” and also messed up the order of words all at once. I said “sex work in cites” and that was the end of class that day.

My college is tiny and my class was small enough that all the professors do a receiving line and shake the hands of all the graduates after the ceremony. They were all saying, “Congratulations.” And I was super flustered and realized about a third of the way down the line that I was saying, “Congratulations” back to each professor. So then I said, “You’re welcome.” And then I just made mumbly sounds and waited for it to be over. 

I stayed up late talking to a friend on Skype and France came up for some reason, so I said I could never live in France because I don’t know Spanish. He made me go to bed after that.

I was working at a doctor’s office and someone called asking me to fax them a document. I faxed it while on the phone and told them it was done. They said “thank you” and I think I was trying to say “no problem” but ended up just saying “no” and hanging up

back when i was in highschool, i was answering a question about a text the teacher gave us and i was hesitating between saying “what this means to say” and “the meaning of this text” and i blurted out “the meaning of this sex” while looking my teacher dead in the eye. He dismissed us because he was laughing too hard.

I was talking to a friend of mine and I tried saying “go suck a dick” and “go fuck yourself” at the same time and it came out “go fuck your dick”

I’m in tears. This post is amazing.

I want to add something, but really this happens so goddamn much that I’ve learned to accept my home here in stupid-mouth hell.

Nevermind, I just remembered: I have a weird name, and back in the day my entire family were embroiled in a war to get it spelled right on my AAA card. I’m talking a dozen different cards issued, all misspelled, over the course of a few months. Anyway, I was asking my mom how she was specifying to AAA the correct spelling, and I managed to morph “vocally” and “verbally” into “vorbally.” Even after the discovery of vore, I still find it hilarious.

So this is kinda off topic but like in Latin we were going over roman weddings and my teacher wanted to show us how to do the sex crines (six braids in Latin - the hairstyle roman brides wore to their weddings) but I sit in the back and I couldn’t see very well so I got to my seat and looked up at the board and I ask in the most horrified voice “WHY ARE WE LOOKING UP SEX CRIMES” and the entire room goes dead silent and just looks at me and my teacher got really upset

Okay so this isn’t exactly fucking up words, but I was talking with my brother a few years ago about Rome, and I was absolutely fucking convinced, I’m talking like dead-set, never-going-to-change-my-mind convinced, that Rome was it’s own country for about 2 hours. I, of course was wrong,and had got t mixed up with Vatican City.

My s/o was trying to say “July” as i said Janurary, got mixed up between the two, and ended up blurting out “JALOON.”

There were some parrots up in the road ahead and I stuck my head out of the window to say “SHOO” but they were so cute I shouted “WHEE!” instead and man did they look confused (and didn’t move very far)